M.E. Tipps’ M.E. tips!!!

Like an increasing number of people in Britain, my new wife Magdalen Ermintrude suffers from Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. This is often known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, M.E. or the rather glib “Yuppy ‘flu”. Whatever you call it, and whatever it is, the upshot is that my dinner is always bloody awful!! After a hard day tipping in my tips study – I’m currently researching a book on top tips written in hyieroglyphs in ancient Egypt (Tutankhamun advised keeping your false teeth embedded in a grapefruit by the side of your bed! Good tut tip!!) – I often come back to a half-hearted plate of slops and croutons or a reeking tomato sauna! ‘Patrick,’ I said to myself, ‘Patrick, surely you could turn your tipular brain to the problems of someone with only very limited energy, and come up with an easy-to-follow series of easy yet delicious recipes, so as to stop having to eat such utter filth‘.

The answer, was yes.

As such, in the coming days and weeks, I’ll present the quickest, simplest and most delicious recipes you can produce if you’re a lazy cow who really can’t be bothered to lift a bloody finger. Or if you have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, of course!!  Stay tuned!

A gifted tipster!

What can make your life better than a gift to put a smile on the face of a loved one? Nothing, that’s what! Hahaha – that was a RHETORICAL QUESTION! My wife, Tonya-Ho-Lin, often complains about the soap and toiletries that I make from leftover fat and my habit of recycling tea bags. So what better way to say “I missed you” after my trip away than a gift basket of toiletries and beverages? And why waste your money at the Body Shop or at Whittards where you can only get tea OR soap! Get the maximum value for your money from an expensive stay at a hotel (well, the Crown Prosecution Service’s money in my case, but as I haven’t yet found a tip to avoid taxes I think it was partly my money!). Make beautiful gift baskets by filling the free cups in a hotel room with the cutlery, beverages, stationary and toiletries provided and wrap it all up in one of the soft fluffy towels. If it’s an extended stay, you will find that the stocks are replenished every day – that’s christmas sorted in the Tipps household! Tonya-Ho-Lin’s skin has never been less pitted!

The very tip of human experience!!

Every week really begins for me on Tuesday. I rouse my new wife Yootha-Trilby from her blustery slumber at 3.30 a.m., with promises I’ll make her favourite breakfast – roast chicken – if she goes down to Mr. Singh’s newsagents and waits to get the latest copy of LOVE IT! MAGAZINE, still warm off the presses. She can’t help but agree, once she sees my gravy jug (which I fashioned from an abandoned traffic cone!) she’s anyone’s!!!

I’m particularly excited to blog my regular “Cut-out-and-keep-tips” review this week, because yours truly, Patrick Gareth Tipps, has the STAR TIP!!! You’d think that a man who makes a living through helpful tips and hints in a variety of magazines and publications would be a wise old hand, but seeing my name in a new magazine always makes me bounce with glee. My doctor even warns me against getting too excited, in case the shrapnel moves!!

My location on the tip give you some indication of why I’ve been a little lax in posting my tips of late. I’ve been staying in the seaside paradise of Hove with some friends, doing this and that, keeping some appointments and looking up some old flames. I’ve not been pointing fingers in ongoing police investigations, is basically what I’m saying.

Normally, I’ve been fairly critical of Carly’s choice as Star Tip in these pages. However, I can’t help but see now that she is a kind, gentle and brave woman. Her previous choices may not have been that helpful to me, but to some other soul, they would have been a lifeline. She is a wonderful human being.

However, my thrill at being STAR TIP is only amplified by the competition I beat off! The star amongst them was this wonderful tip from young Aalia Latif of Warrington.

Another useful toenail cutting tip: do it out of the window of a moving car. This way, you get no irritating and unpleasant trimmings in your home, and also the nubules and shards on the roads form a grippy carpet. A clean house and social responsibility! Happy tipping!!

From root to tips!!

Male Pattern Baldness! Words that can strike fear into the heart of any male! Luckily for me, the Tipps family lineage is filled with robustly-haired men and women, so my own coiffure is (moustache aside) something to be admired in shop windows and when they used to have video cameras in the shop windows of electrical retailers (see also my tip “Who needs mirrors?!” in Women’s Own magazine, March 1992)! Lots of other people are less fortunate, of course, my new wife Tiphanee-Frutiger amongst them! This tip is especially for you!!

Not every man, you’ll, like me, have noticed is as worried about losing their hair as others. Some of them think it gives them a distinguished, mature look (here’s a bonus tip – it doesn’t!!!). Engage these balding fellows in pleasant conversation when you see them, gain a new friend. It’s good for people to have nice friends anyway, but also you will need them for the next step of my tip! Simply fill a swimming cap with a strong adhesive and put it on their head! After a few weeks – by simply removing it and trimming off the excess skin and dried blood and bone – turning the cap inside-out will give you a verdant, bushy crop of natural-looking hair! A wig at a tenth of the price!! No more pretending you’re a Sikh to hide your bitter shame and feelings of isolation at your shiny, depilated nut!!!

Happy combing!

lean, mean, cash-savin’ tippin’ machine!

How I love my George Foreman Grill. No wonder I’m so healthy when George’s magic grill removes all this sort of thing from my pork chops – no wonder my urine samples keep coming back clean! But it does make me sad to think that anything, even unhealthy fat, might go to waste – so I don’t let it! Because this fat is as versatile a household lubricant as WD40! Just use it wherever you would usually use expensive brand name WD40 – creaky doors, stiff hinges. Literally EVERYWHERE. Esmerelda-Lou complains that it encourages stray dogs in – she doesn’t worry about that when we use it as a more personal lubricant though!

Sore finger tips!!!

We’ve all been there!  A lovely succulent goose breast sizzling on the grill, ready for your tasty supper.  You want to serve it up right away, so you and your new wife Chloride-Mae, can enjoy it!  But ow!  Ow ow ow!  That burns!  I’ve burnt my fingers trying to carve!

What to do?  Some people swear by expensive solutions such as meat forks or a great big spike.  These people are throwing their money away!  In the corner of your house is something which is the mortal enemy of heat: ice!  Simply fill a sandwich bag (or a handkerchief made into a bag with some sewing!!) with water an hour or two before you carve, plunge your hand in and put it in the freezer!  The heat will never penetrate your fortress hands of ice!  Happy cooking!!

The power of tips could save your life!!

Some of you might have been wondering where I’ve been for the last week! Some of you may even have been a little concerned and emailed me. Thank you to all those who did. When I think of a tip for remembering my email address I will reply personally!

Basically, the last week of my life has been fraught to say the least! I won’t be so presumptious as to think you want all the details, so I’ll just get on with the tips!!!

If you ever get stung on the glans by a bee, don’t rub it! Instead, go to a doctor. That way, you save yourself all the hassle of prison, a trumped up Public Indecency charge and having to administer an epi pen to yourself when your airways shut off at 11pm in a holding cell at Colchester Crown Court!

Rubbish tips!!!!!!!!!

Plastic bin bags!  They are always a problem, you’ve probably noted.  You always run out at inopportune times and I’m always being told by my environmentally aware new wife Wanda-Ermine that they are bad for the planet!  All these plastic bags flying around makes for an unhappy world, so I put my mind to a tipular solution to both problems!

Instead of using the disposable black bin bags so often associated with crime, litter and the pleasurable sex of bagging, simply use a bed sheet sewn up at the corners!!  This re-usable, highly absorbent binbag will save our world and save you money!  The man in the petrol station who sells me all my Magic Tree air fresheners is now a convert to the system, and after their initial objections, my local bin men have stopped setting fire to my tree!

PATRICK GARETH’S quick tips!!!

Like most people on British council estates, I’m a big follower of the great 19th Century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche! He believed that philosophers such as me and my new wife Regina-Klondike should use words sparingly, with care and passion. “Write in blood!” he said, which is in itself quite a good tip! Today’s tips, then, will be presented in the style of Nietzschean aphorisms, for your easy digestion! I’ve always quite fancied the idea of being Nietzsche, in fact, so much so I’ve taken to growing a moustache just like his! It’s coming in as well as I could reasonably expect it to, as well, considering my beard only grows on the right-hand side of my face!!

On with the tips!!!!

• If you run out of gin, simply float some pot pourri in vodka!
• Run out of Beach Boys albums for your summer party? Just play Procul Harum at double speed!
• Trouble sleeping? Why not get your wife to suffocate you a bit with a pillow!
• I often take the dips from Lowestoft McDonald’s home with me, they really liven up a piece of toast!
• Problems with your British visa? Simply enter Big Brother and claim asylum!
• Save money on funky hair highlighting dyes by giving everyone else in the niteclub a pair of pink-tinted sunglasses!
• You can make colourful, trendy braces from plastic bags! A different style for every occasion!
• There’s only one way to deal with bullies: Hugs and kisses! And they are free!

I hope these tips help TIP the balance for you towards a better life!!!

Heston Tippenthal!!!

Like many people in Britain, I’m a big fan of Heston Blumenthal.  His revolutionary slowly-cooked meats have re-invigorated Britain’s parched pallates so much that, when my new wife Bryany-Porsh and I went to eat at his Fat Duck restaurant, I was nearly sick with glee!

His subsequent BBC2 series “In Search of Perfection” taught us how to replicate a number of his favourite techniques at home.  However, they seemed rather time-consuming and difficult, and I burnt down my house.  “Surely cooking a piece of beef for 24 hours should be an easier thing to do than cooking it in the normal way?”  I thought.  Not being given to just sitting around, I put on my Tip Hat to figure out a better way to get succulent meat!

The problem, as Heston admitted in his show himself, is that it’s difficult to buy an oven that you can switch to 60°C.  He recommended buying an overn thermometer, or even keeping the over door ajar to regulate the heat!  This is crazy, Heston!  Try this instead: think about it – what appliance do most homes have, that can easily be set to a constant and reliable 60°C?  A washing machine!!

That’s right, simply put your joint of meat into the drum with a few onions and carrots, then empty salt, pepper and your favourite Schwartz™ powdered  sauce mix into the powder draw!!  About 20 consecutive 60 degreee washes later, and you have a tender, delicious beef stew that melts in the mouth!  Yum yum!!