M.E. Tipps’ M.E. tips!!!

Like an increasing number of people in Britain, my new wife Magdalen Ermintrude suffers from Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. This is often known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, M.E. or the rather glib “Yuppy ‘flu”. Whatever you call it, and whatever it is, the upshot is that my dinner is always bloody awful!! After a hard day tipping in my tips study – I’m currently researching a book on top tips written in hyieroglyphs in ancient Egypt (Tutankhamun advised keeping your false teeth embedded in a grapefruit by the side of your bed! Good tut tip!!) – I often come back to a half-hearted plate of slops and croutons or a reeking tomato sauna! ‘Patrick,’ I said to myself, ‘Patrick, surely you could turn your tipular brain to the problems of someone with only very limited energy, and come up with an easy-to-follow series of easy yet delicious recipes, so as to stop having to eat such utter filth‘.

The answer, was yes.

As such, in the coming days and weeks, I’ll present the quickest, simplest and most delicious recipes you can produce if you’re a lazy cow who really can’t be bothered to lift a bloody finger. Or if you have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, of course!!  Stay tuned!

Top tips round up – a cautionary tale!!!!!

I find it hard to feel anger towards Love It! magazine – it brings so much light into my dismal life! However this week I spotted a tip that made my blood boil. We are all aware of the ever present threat of the sun, thanks to some particularly graphic pictures of cancerous moles in last week’s Love It! magazine. But I’m afraid if you follow this tip submitted by Lynne Newton of Spennymoore – awarded star tip of the week, no less – and try to skimp on the sunblock by using an old roll-on deodorant container to apply it you’re going to end up as burnt as a crisp and riddled with tumours. This is the most irresponsible tip I have ever seen (well, the second most irresponsible if you count my idea of creating an apiary in my pants, but that hasn’t been published in a top-selling glossy magazine yet). If you really want to save money on sun protection, what you need to do is wrap yourself up in tin foil.

Now this tip is not only irresponsible, but I am very sorry to have to tell you that it is also impossible. I have tried on many occasions to open up a used roll-on deodorant container and refill it. I have attempted this many times in an effort to create a time saving method of spreading margarine. I can therefore only conclude that this tip was FABRICATED.

Meanwhile none of my genuine and non life-threatening tips were published, yet again. Perhaps Carley let the work experience girl edit the tips page this week? Perhaps she was bribed by the mafia? Maybe she’s been hitting the bottle again?

 

Now this is more like it. Ally Stewart of Dunfermline is a tipper I can do business with. Having gotten over my rage at the false and downright dangerous tip above, the very second I saw this tip I was in the freezer pulling the Findus crispy pancakes out of their packaging. (For the record, I find a good old tommy tank to be an excellent and free outlet for my anger – and why waste the jizz when it makes excellent pastry glaze or wallpaper paste? So versatile! There’s no need to be ashamed of saving money!).

My freezer now looks more decorative and interesting than ever thanks to the new traffic light food labelling system and I can fit ten times more more turkey twizzlers in there – boy do you get through a lot of turkey twizzlers when you’ve got 7 sets of triplets on your hands! Nowadays, I don’t even need to open the freezer to see what’s in there when I’m doing the shopping list ahead of our weekly visit to Iceland. And what’s that? You don’t have any fridge magnets? Why not use sellotape!

 

Birth Control AND A Tasty Snack? You MUST Be Joking!

How to combine a tasty snack and birth control – and save money!
Ever wondered how you can save yourself the embarassment and expense of buying condoms at Boots? Wonder no more! Have you ever noticed that a sausage roll is almost exactly the same shape and size as a winky? I have! Put all your birth control worries to one side and simply use a sausage roll wrapper and a rubber band! That way you get to have blush-free intercourse with ladies and a delicious snack afterwards! I find that the rustling noise adds extra excitement!

Make sure that the rubber band is a snug fit because I find that the carbohydrate and protein gives me extra energy and my love-making becomes more energetic than ever before! Some people say that you can get free and discreet condoms from the family planning clinic. That’s all very well, but do you get a tasty snack too?!?! I recommend Peter’s Regency sausage rolls as one of the tastiest sausage rolls and, I don’t want to give away too much here, but I find them to be the best fitting and robust!!!! My ex-wife Shona-Ray (mother of three of my sets of triplets), loved the feel and she said it also added a little something when I pleasured her orally! And not just flakes of pastry! Yum!