A gifted tipster!

What can make your life better than a gift to put a smile on the face of a loved one? Nothing, that’s what! Hahaha – that was a RHETORICAL QUESTION! My wife, Tonya-Ho-Lin, often complains about the soap and toiletries that I make from leftover fat and my habit of recycling tea bags. So what better way to say “I missed you” after my trip away than a gift basket of toiletries and beverages? And why waste your money at the Body Shop or at Whittards where you can only get tea OR soap! Get the maximum value for your money from an expensive stay at a hotel (well, the Crown Prosecution Service’s money in my case, but as I haven’t yet found a tip to avoid taxes I think it was partly my money!). Make beautiful gift baskets by filling the free cups in a hotel room with the cutlery, beverages, stationary and toiletries provided and wrap it all up in one of the soft fluffy towels. If it’s an extended stay, you will find that the stocks are replenished every day – that’s christmas sorted in the Tipps household! Tonya-Ho-Lin’s skin has never been less pitted!

An Eggceptional Tip!

Look at those spendthrifts wasting money on expensive ice cube trays! Don’t they know they’re made of plastic which is DESTROYING our planet. Leave those idiots to it, I say! An egg box (empty of course!) makes lovely big ice cubes with the carbon footprint the size of an ant! Until I invented this tip Sandy-Poliver, my beautiful but somewhat delicate and sickly wife, always struggled to get the ice cubes out of the plastic tray. The beauty of using an egg box is, you can simply rip the ice out of it!

lean, mean, cash-savin’ tippin’ machine!

How I love my George Foreman Grill. No wonder I’m so healthy when George’s magic grill removes all this sort of thing from my pork chops – no wonder my urine samples keep coming back clean! But it does make me sad to think that anything, even unhealthy fat, might go to waste – so I don’t let it! Because this fat is as versatile a household lubricant as WD40! Just use it wherever you would usually use expensive brand name WD40 – creaky doors, stiff hinges. Literally EVERYWHERE. Esmerelda-Lou complains that it encourages stray dogs in – she doesn’t worry about that when we use it as a more personal lubricant though!

The power of tips could save your life!!

Some of you might have been wondering where I’ve been for the last week! Some of you may even have been a little concerned and emailed me. Thank you to all those who did. When I think of a tip for remembering my email address I will reply personally!

Basically, the last week of my life has been fraught to say the least! I won’t be so presumptious as to think you want all the details, so I’ll just get on with the tips!!!

If you ever get stung on the glans by a bee, don’t rub it! Instead, go to a doctor. That way, you save yourself all the hassle of prison, a trumped up Public Indecency charge and having to administer an epi pen to yourself when your airways shut off at 11pm in a holding cell at Colchester Crown Court!

PATRICK GARETH’S quick tips!!!

Like most people on British council estates, I’m a big follower of the great 19th Century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche! He believed that philosophers such as me and my new wife Regina-Klondike should use words sparingly, with care and passion. “Write in blood!” he said, which is in itself quite a good tip! Today’s tips, then, will be presented in the style of Nietzschean aphorisms, for your easy digestion! I’ve always quite fancied the idea of being Nietzsche, in fact, so much so I’ve taken to growing a moustache just like his! It’s coming in as well as I could reasonably expect it to, as well, considering my beard only grows on the right-hand side of my face!!

On with the tips!!!!

• If you run out of gin, simply float some pot pourri in vodka!
• Run out of Beach Boys albums for your summer party? Just play Procul Harum at double speed!
• Trouble sleeping? Why not get your wife to suffocate you a bit with a pillow!
• I often take the dips from Lowestoft McDonald’s home with me, they really liven up a piece of toast!
• Problems with your British visa? Simply enter Big Brother and claim asylum!
• Save money on funky hair highlighting dyes by giving everyone else in the niteclub a pair of pink-tinted sunglasses!
• You can make colourful, trendy braces from plastic bags! A different style for every occasion!
• There’s only one way to deal with bullies: Hugs and kisses! And they are free!

I hope these tips help TIP the balance for you towards a better life!!!

A Tip Masterpiece!!!!

The modern world, what a place!!! However, with every new advance, some unscrupulous types will always try and find a way to exploit it. One of the worst fears for people these days is identity theft, with villains stealing your credit card details and spending your money!!

If like me you are concerned about this global terrorist plot to buy nuclear waste, I’ve got just the tip for you! When getting some cash out of an ATM, protect your PIN and privacy by simply erecting a tent next to the wall and carrying out your transaction from within it! Job done!!!!

A really HANDY hint!!!!!

It’s happened to all of us, I’m sure! You’re sat in the office, when you notice that you’ve got a broken nail, or a hangnail, or an irritating piece of peeling skin on your finger. How many of us have attempted to, in the absence of your normal nail clippers or scissors, cut the offending piece with their desk scissors only to remove the entire tip of their finger? I know I certainly have! One solution to this problem is to buy a state-of-the-art Swiss Army Knife, but they are beyond a lot of people’s budgets!

Try this instead: trim your nails using a simple desk hole punch! The serrated effect you get from it can be ground down to a smooth rounded finish on a nearby brick if desired, or kept as a dazzlingly fashionable new style! Imagine showing your half-moon nails off on the bus to your favourite niteclub!!

How’s that for a FINGER TIP??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha!!!

Birth Control AND A Tasty Snack? You MUST Be Joking!

How to combine a tasty snack and birth control – and save money!
Ever wondered how you can save yourself the embarassment and expense of buying condoms at Boots? Wonder no more! Have you ever noticed that a sausage roll is almost exactly the same shape and size as a winky? I have! Put all your birth control worries to one side and simply use a sausage roll wrapper and a rubber band! That way you get to have blush-free intercourse with ladies and a delicious snack afterwards! I find that the rustling noise adds extra excitement!

Make sure that the rubber band is a snug fit because I find that the carbohydrate and protein gives me extra energy and my love-making becomes more energetic than ever before! Some people say that you can get free and discreet condoms from the family planning clinic. That’s all very well, but do you get a tasty snack too?!?! I recommend Peter’s Regency sausage rolls as one of the tastiest sausage rolls and, I don’t want to give away too much here, but I find them to be the best fitting and robust!!!! My ex-wife Shona-Ray (mother of three of my sets of triplets), loved the feel and she said it also added a little something when I pleasured her orally! And not just flakes of pastry! Yum!