lean, mean, cash-savin’ tippin’ machine!

How I love my George Foreman Grill. No wonder I’m so healthy when George’s magic grill removes all this sort of thing from my pork chops – no wonder my urine samples keep coming back clean! But it does make me sad to think that anything, even unhealthy fat, might go to waste – so I don’t let it! Because this fat is as versatile a household lubricant as WD40! Just use it wherever you would usually use expensive brand name WD40 – creaky doors, stiff hinges. Literally EVERYWHERE. Esmerelda-Lou complains that it encourages stray dogs in – she doesn’t worry about that when we use it as a more personal lubricant though!

Sore finger tips!!!

We’ve all been there!  A lovely succulent goose breast sizzling on the grill, ready for your tasty supper.  You want to serve it up right away, so you and your new wife Chloride-Mae, can enjoy it!  But ow!  Ow ow ow!  That burns!  I’ve burnt my fingers trying to carve!

What to do?  Some people swear by expensive solutions such as meat forks or a great big spike.  These people are throwing their money away!  In the corner of your house is something which is the mortal enemy of heat: ice!  Simply fill a sandwich bag (or a handkerchief made into a bag with some sewing!!) with water an hour or two before you carve, plunge your hand in and put it in the freezer!  The heat will never penetrate your fortress hands of ice!  Happy cooking!!

Rubbish tips!!!!!!!!!

Plastic bin bags!  They are always a problem, you’ve probably noted.  You always run out at inopportune times and I’m always being told by my environmentally aware new wife Wanda-Ermine that they are bad for the planet!  All these plastic bags flying around makes for an unhappy world, so I put my mind to a tipular solution to both problems!

Instead of using the disposable black bin bags so often associated with crime, litter and the pleasurable sex of bagging, simply use a bed sheet sewn up at the corners!!  This re-usable, highly absorbent binbag will save our world and save you money!  The man in the petrol station who sells me all my Magic Tree air fresheners is now a convert to the system, and after their initial objections, my local bin men have stopped setting fire to my tree!

Birth Control AND A Tasty Snack? You MUST Be Joking!

How to combine a tasty snack and birth control – and save money!
Ever wondered how you can save yourself the embarassment and expense of buying condoms at Boots? Wonder no more! Have you ever noticed that a sausage roll is almost exactly the same shape and size as a winky? I have! Put all your birth control worries to one side and simply use a sausage roll wrapper and a rubber band! That way you get to have blush-free intercourse with ladies and a delicious snack afterwards! I find that the rustling noise adds extra excitement!

Make sure that the rubber band is a snug fit because I find that the carbohydrate and protein gives me extra energy and my love-making becomes more energetic than ever before! Some people say that you can get free and discreet condoms from the family planning clinic. That’s all very well, but do you get a tasty snack too?!?! I recommend Peter’s Regency sausage rolls as one of the tastiest sausage rolls and, I don’t want to give away too much here, but I find them to be the best fitting and robust!!!! My ex-wife Shona-Ray (mother of three of my sets of triplets), loved the feel and she said it also added a little something when I pleasured her orally! And not just flakes of pastry! Yum!