The very tip of human experience!!

Every week really begins for me on Tuesday. I rouse my new wife Yootha-Trilby from her blustery slumber at 3.30 a.m., with promises I’ll make her favourite breakfast – roast chicken – if she goes down to Mr. Singh’s newsagents and waits to get the latest copy of LOVE IT! MAGAZINE, still warm off the presses. She can’t help but agree, once she sees my gravy jug (which I fashioned from an abandoned traffic cone!) she’s anyone’s!!!

I’m particularly excited to blog my regular “Cut-out-and-keep-tips” review this week, because yours truly, Patrick Gareth Tipps, has the STAR TIP!!! You’d think that a man who makes a living through helpful tips and hints in a variety of magazines and publications would be a wise old hand, but seeing my name in a new magazine always makes me bounce with glee. My doctor even warns me against getting too excited, in case the shrapnel moves!!

My location on the tip give you some indication of why I’ve been a little lax in posting my tips of late. I’ve been staying in the seaside paradise of Hove with some friends, doing this and that, keeping some appointments and looking up some old flames. I’ve not been pointing fingers in ongoing police investigations, is basically what I’m saying.

Normally, I’ve been fairly critical of Carly’s choice as Star Tip in these pages. However, I can’t help but see now that she is a kind, gentle and brave woman. Her previous choices may not have been that helpful to me, but to some other soul, they would have been a lifeline. She is a wonderful human being.

However, my thrill at being STAR TIP is only amplified by the competition I beat off! The star amongst them was this wonderful tip from young Aalia Latif of Warrington.

Another useful toenail cutting tip: do it out of the window of a moving car. This way, you get no irritating and unpleasant trimmings in your home, and also the nubules and shards on the roads form a grippy carpet. A clean house and social responsibility! Happy tipping!!

An Eggceptional Tip!

Look at those spendthrifts wasting money on expensive ice cube trays! Don’t they know they’re made of plastic which is DESTROYING our planet. Leave those idiots to it, I say! An egg box (empty of course!) makes lovely big ice cubes with the carbon footprint the size of an ant! Until I invented this tip Sandy-Poliver, my beautiful but somewhat delicate and sickly wife, always struggled to get the ice cubes out of the plastic tray. The beauty of using an egg box is, you can simply rip the ice out of it!

Top tips round up – a cautionary tale!!!!!

I find it hard to feel anger towards Love It! magazine – it brings so much light into my dismal life! However this week I spotted a tip that made my blood boil. We are all aware of the ever present threat of the sun, thanks to some particularly graphic pictures of cancerous moles in last week’s Love It! magazine. But I’m afraid if you follow this tip submitted by Lynne Newton of Spennymoore – awarded star tip of the week, no less – and try to skimp on the sunblock by using an old roll-on deodorant container to apply it you’re going to end up as burnt as a crisp and riddled with tumours. This is the most irresponsible tip I have ever seen (well, the second most irresponsible if you count my idea of creating an apiary in my pants, but that hasn’t been published in a top-selling glossy magazine yet). If you really want to save money on sun protection, what you need to do is wrap yourself up in tin foil.

Now this tip is not only irresponsible, but I am very sorry to have to tell you that it is also impossible. I have tried on many occasions to open up a used roll-on deodorant container and refill it. I have attempted this many times in an effort to create a time saving method of spreading margarine. I can therefore only conclude that this tip was FABRICATED.

Meanwhile none of my genuine and non life-threatening tips were published, yet again. Perhaps Carley let the work experience girl edit the tips page this week? Perhaps she was bribed by the mafia? Maybe she’s been hitting the bottle again?

 

Now this is more like it. Ally Stewart of Dunfermline is a tipper I can do business with. Having gotten over my rage at the false and downright dangerous tip above, the very second I saw this tip I was in the freezer pulling the Findus crispy pancakes out of their packaging. (For the record, I find a good old tommy tank to be an excellent and free outlet for my anger – and why waste the jizz when it makes excellent pastry glaze or wallpaper paste? So versatile! There’s no need to be ashamed of saving money!).

My freezer now looks more decorative and interesting than ever thanks to the new traffic light food labelling system and I can fit ten times more more turkey twizzlers in there – boy do you get through a lot of turkey twizzlers when you’ve got 7 sets of triplets on your hands! Nowadays, I don’t even need to open the freezer to see what’s in there when I’m doing the shopping list ahead of our weekly visit to Iceland. And what’s that? You don’t have any fridge magnets? Why not use sellotape!

 

The power of tips could save your life!!

Some of you might have been wondering where I’ve been for the last week! Some of you may even have been a little concerned and emailed me. Thank you to all those who did. When I think of a tip for remembering my email address I will reply personally!

Basically, the last week of my life has been fraught to say the least! I won’t be so presumptious as to think you want all the details, so I’ll just get on with the tips!!!

If you ever get stung on the glans by a bee, don’t rub it! Instead, go to a doctor. That way, you save yourself all the hassle of prison, a trumped up Public Indecency charge and having to administer an epi pen to yourself when your airways shut off at 11pm in a holding cell at Colchester Crown Court!

Rubbish tips!!!!!!!!!

Plastic bin bags!  They are always a problem, you’ve probably noted.  You always run out at inopportune times and I’m always being told by my environmentally aware new wife Wanda-Ermine that they are bad for the planet!  All these plastic bags flying around makes for an unhappy world, so I put my mind to a tipular solution to both problems!

Instead of using the disposable black bin bags so often associated with crime, litter and the pleasurable sex of bagging, simply use a bed sheet sewn up at the corners!!  This re-usable, highly absorbent binbag will save our world and save you money!  The man in the petrol station who sells me all my Magic Tree air fresheners is now a convert to the system, and after their initial objections, my local bin men have stopped setting fire to my tree!

Tip of the iceberg!!!!

I don’t know about you, but one of the things I dislike most about going to see my GP is when they ask you for a urine sample!!! You know what it’s like – you have had the sample pot for months and month, just sitting there waiting to be filled, but come the day you forget it. Next thing you know you’re in the Practice’s toilet, trying to wring a few drops out into your doctor’s coffee mug!!! A lot of people, me included, find it difficult to go under that sort of pressure, and normally I come back with a beaker which is mainly just an inch of pubes, sweat and Cowper’s Fluid!!!!

If this sounds like your life too, I’ve got a wee tip which is just ideal!!! Simply urinate in an ice cube tray, and freeze it!! Hey presto, a handy supply of urine that can be microwaved just before you leave for your appointment. It’s also a boon for the whole family, as they can use a few cubes themselves if they are in a rush. Us Tipps have been using this method now for 12 years, and it’s coincided with a lengthy streak of health and clean diagnoses! Give it a whirl!!! Or should I say, WHIZZ?!!!!