M.E. Tipps’ M.E. tips!!!

Like an increasing number of people in Britain, my new wife Magdalen Ermintrude suffers from Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. This is often known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, M.E. or the rather glib “Yuppy ‘flu”. Whatever you call it, and whatever it is, the upshot is that my dinner is always bloody awful!! After a hard day tipping in my tips study – I’m currently researching a book on top tips written in hyieroglyphs in ancient Egypt (Tutankhamun advised keeping your false teeth embedded in a grapefruit by the side of your bed! Good tut tip!!) – I often come back to a half-hearted plate of slops and croutons or a reeking tomato sauna! ‘Patrick,’ I said to myself, ‘Patrick, surely you could turn your tipular brain to the problems of someone with only very limited energy, and come up with an easy-to-follow series of easy yet delicious recipes, so as to stop having to eat such utter filth‘.

The answer, was yes.

As such, in the coming days and weeks, I’ll present the quickest, simplest and most delicious recipes you can produce if you’re a lazy cow who really can’t be bothered to lift a bloody finger. Or if you have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, of course!!  Stay tuned!

The very tip of human experience!!

Every week really begins for me on Tuesday. I rouse my new wife Yootha-Trilby from her blustery slumber at 3.30 a.m., with promises I’ll make her favourite breakfast – roast chicken – if she goes down to Mr. Singh’s newsagents and waits to get the latest copy of LOVE IT! MAGAZINE, still warm off the presses. She can’t help but agree, once she sees my gravy jug (which I fashioned from an abandoned traffic cone!) she’s anyone’s!!!

I’m particularly excited to blog my regular “Cut-out-and-keep-tips” review this week, because yours truly, Patrick Gareth Tipps, has the STAR TIP!!! You’d think that a man who makes a living through helpful tips and hints in a variety of magazines and publications would be a wise old hand, but seeing my name in a new magazine always makes me bounce with glee. My doctor even warns me against getting too excited, in case the shrapnel moves!!

My location on the tip give you some indication of why I’ve been a little lax in posting my tips of late. I’ve been staying in the seaside paradise of Hove with some friends, doing this and that, keeping some appointments and looking up some old flames. I’ve not been pointing fingers in ongoing police investigations, is basically what I’m saying.

Normally, I’ve been fairly critical of Carly’s choice as Star Tip in these pages. However, I can’t help but see now that she is a kind, gentle and brave woman. Her previous choices may not have been that helpful to me, but to some other soul, they would have been a lifeline. She is a wonderful human being.

However, my thrill at being STAR TIP is only amplified by the competition I beat off! The star amongst them was this wonderful tip from young Aalia Latif of Warrington.

Another useful toenail cutting tip: do it out of the window of a moving car. This way, you get no irritating and unpleasant trimmings in your home, and also the nubules and shards on the roads form a grippy carpet. A clean house and social responsibility! Happy tipping!!

An Eggceptional Tip!

Look at those spendthrifts wasting money on expensive ice cube trays! Don’t they know they’re made of plastic which is DESTROYING our planet. Leave those idiots to it, I say! An egg box (empty of course!) makes lovely big ice cubes with the carbon footprint the size of an ant! Until I invented this tip Sandy-Poliver, my beautiful but somewhat delicate and sickly wife, always struggled to get the ice cubes out of the plastic tray. The beauty of using an egg box is, you can simply rip the ice out of it!

lean, mean, cash-savin’ tippin’ machine!

How I love my George Foreman Grill. No wonder I’m so healthy when George’s magic grill removes all this sort of thing from my pork chops – no wonder my urine samples keep coming back clean! But it does make me sad to think that anything, even unhealthy fat, might go to waste – so I don’t let it! Because this fat is as versatile a household lubricant as WD40! Just use it wherever you would usually use expensive brand name WD40 – creaky doors, stiff hinges. Literally EVERYWHERE. Esmerelda-Lou complains that it encourages stray dogs in – she doesn’t worry about that when we use it as a more personal lubricant though!

Top tips round up – a cautionary tale!!!!!

I find it hard to feel anger towards Love It! magazine – it brings so much light into my dismal life! However this week I spotted a tip that made my blood boil. We are all aware of the ever present threat of the sun, thanks to some particularly graphic pictures of cancerous moles in last week’s Love It! magazine. But I’m afraid if you follow this tip submitted by Lynne Newton of Spennymoore – awarded star tip of the week, no less – and try to skimp on the sunblock by using an old roll-on deodorant container to apply it you’re going to end up as burnt as a crisp and riddled with tumours. This is the most irresponsible tip I have ever seen (well, the second most irresponsible if you count my idea of creating an apiary in my pants, but that hasn’t been published in a top-selling glossy magazine yet). If you really want to save money on sun protection, what you need to do is wrap yourself up in tin foil.

Now this tip is not only irresponsible, but I am very sorry to have to tell you that it is also impossible. I have tried on many occasions to open up a used roll-on deodorant container and refill it. I have attempted this many times in an effort to create a time saving method of spreading margarine. I can therefore only conclude that this tip was FABRICATED.

Meanwhile none of my genuine and non life-threatening tips were published, yet again. Perhaps Carley let the work experience girl edit the tips page this week? Perhaps she was bribed by the mafia? Maybe she’s been hitting the bottle again?

 

Now this is more like it. Ally Stewart of Dunfermline is a tipper I can do business with. Having gotten over my rage at the false and downright dangerous tip above, the very second I saw this tip I was in the freezer pulling the Findus crispy pancakes out of their packaging. (For the record, I find a good old tommy tank to be an excellent and free outlet for my anger – and why waste the jizz when it makes excellent pastry glaze or wallpaper paste? So versatile! There’s no need to be ashamed of saving money!).

My freezer now looks more decorative and interesting than ever thanks to the new traffic light food labelling system and I can fit ten times more more turkey twizzlers in there – boy do you get through a lot of turkey twizzlers when you’ve got 7 sets of triplets on your hands! Nowadays, I don’t even need to open the freezer to see what’s in there when I’m doing the shopping list ahead of our weekly visit to Iceland. And what’s that? You don’t have any fridge magnets? Why not use sellotape!

 

Sore finger tips!!!

We’ve all been there!  A lovely succulent goose breast sizzling on the grill, ready for your tasty supper.  You want to serve it up right away, so you and your new wife Chloride-Mae, can enjoy it!  But ow!  Ow ow ow!  That burns!  I’ve burnt my fingers trying to carve!

What to do?  Some people swear by expensive solutions such as meat forks or a great big spike.  These people are throwing their money away!  In the corner of your house is something which is the mortal enemy of heat: ice!  Simply fill a sandwich bag (or a handkerchief made into a bag with some sewing!!) with water an hour or two before you carve, plunge your hand in and put it in the freezer!  The heat will never penetrate your fortress hands of ice!  Happy cooking!!

PATRICK GARETH’S quick tips!!!

Like most people on British council estates, I’m a big follower of the great 19th Century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche! He believed that philosophers such as me and my new wife Regina-Klondike should use words sparingly, with care and passion. “Write in blood!” he said, which is in itself quite a good tip! Today’s tips, then, will be presented in the style of Nietzschean aphorisms, for your easy digestion! I’ve always quite fancied the idea of being Nietzsche, in fact, so much so I’ve taken to growing a moustache just like his! It’s coming in as well as I could reasonably expect it to, as well, considering my beard only grows on the right-hand side of my face!!

On with the tips!!!!

• If you run out of gin, simply float some pot pourri in vodka!
• Run out of Beach Boys albums for your summer party? Just play Procul Harum at double speed!
• Trouble sleeping? Why not get your wife to suffocate you a bit with a pillow!
• I often take the dips from Lowestoft McDonald’s home with me, they really liven up a piece of toast!
• Problems with your British visa? Simply enter Big Brother and claim asylum!
• Save money on funky hair highlighting dyes by giving everyone else in the niteclub a pair of pink-tinted sunglasses!
• You can make colourful, trendy braces from plastic bags! A different style for every occasion!
• There’s only one way to deal with bullies: Hugs and kisses! And they are free!

I hope these tips help TIP the balance for you towards a better life!!!

Heston Tippenthal!!!

Like many people in Britain, I’m a big fan of Heston Blumenthal.  His revolutionary slowly-cooked meats have re-invigorated Britain’s parched pallates so much that, when my new wife Bryany-Porsh and I went to eat at his Fat Duck restaurant, I was nearly sick with glee!

His subsequent BBC2 series “In Search of Perfection” taught us how to replicate a number of his favourite techniques at home.  However, they seemed rather time-consuming and difficult, and I burnt down my house.  “Surely cooking a piece of beef for 24 hours should be an easier thing to do than cooking it in the normal way?”  I thought.  Not being given to just sitting around, I put on my Tip Hat to figure out a better way to get succulent meat!

The problem, as Heston admitted in his show himself, is that it’s difficult to buy an oven that you can switch to 60°C.  He recommended buying an overn thermometer, or even keeping the over door ajar to regulate the heat!  This is crazy, Heston!  Try this instead: think about it – what appliance do most homes have, that can easily be set to a constant and reliable 60°C?  A washing machine!!

That’s right, simply put your joint of meat into the drum with a few onions and carrots, then empty salt, pepper and your favourite Schwartz™ powdered  sauce mix into the powder draw!!  About 20 consecutive 60 degreee washes later, and you have a tender, delicious beef stew that melts in the mouth!  Yum yum!!

Tip of the iceberg!!!!

I don’t know about you, but one of the things I dislike most about going to see my GP is when they ask you for a urine sample!!! You know what it’s like – you have had the sample pot for months and month, just sitting there waiting to be filled, but come the day you forget it. Next thing you know you’re in the Practice’s toilet, trying to wring a few drops out into your doctor’s coffee mug!!! A lot of people, me included, find it difficult to go under that sort of pressure, and normally I come back with a beaker which is mainly just an inch of pubes, sweat and Cowper’s Fluid!!!!

If this sounds like your life too, I’ve got a wee tip which is just ideal!!! Simply urinate in an ice cube tray, and freeze it!! Hey presto, a handy supply of urine that can be microwaved just before you leave for your appointment. It’s also a boon for the whole family, as they can use a few cubes themselves if they are in a rush. Us Tipps have been using this method now for 12 years, and it’s coincided with a lengthy streak of health and clean diagnoses! Give it a whirl!!! Or should I say, WHIZZ?!!!!

Skip the skip hire!!!

Every so often, people have to have a good spring clean, but the best way to get rid of all of the discarded items can be expensive! Skip hire costs money and can also be inconvenient.

Don’t telephone up your local firm, try this instead: throw all your broken furniture and old mattresses into your bathtub! When your cleaning is complete, simply set fire to the lot! The bath will contain the flames, and the remains of your old rubbish will be reduced to easy-to-wash-away ash!!! It’s as easy as that!! Flaming simple!!!