From root to tips!!

Male Pattern Baldness! Words that can strike fear into the heart of any male! Luckily for me, the Tipps family lineage is filled with robustly-haired men and women, so my own coiffure is (moustache aside) something to be admired in shop windows and when they used to have video cameras in the shop windows of electrical retailers (see also my tip “Who needs mirrors?!” in Women’s Own magazine, March 1992)! Lots of other people are less fortunate, of course, my new wife Tiphanee-Frutiger amongst them! This tip is especially for you!!

Not every man, you’ll, like me, have noticed is as worried about losing their hair as others. Some of them think it gives them a distinguished, mature look (here’s a bonus tip – it doesn’t!!!). Engage these balding fellows in pleasant conversation when you see them, gain a new friend. It’s good for people to have nice friends anyway, but also you will need them for the next step of my tip! Simply fill a swimming cap with a strong adhesive and put it on their head! After a few weeks – by simply removing it and trimming off the excess skin and dried blood and bone – turning the cap inside-out will give you a verdant, bushy crop of natural-looking hair! A wig at a tenth of the price!! No more pretending you’re a Sikh to hide your bitter shame and feelings of isolation at your shiny, depilated nut!!!

Happy combing!

lean, mean, cash-savin’ tippin’ machine!

How I love my George Foreman Grill. No wonder I’m so healthy when George’s magic grill removes all this sort of thing from my pork chops – no wonder my urine samples keep coming back clean! But it does make me sad to think that anything, even unhealthy fat, might go to waste – so I don’t let it! Because this fat is as versatile a household lubricant as WD40! Just use it wherever you would usually use expensive brand name WD40 – creaky doors, stiff hinges. Literally EVERYWHERE. Esmerelda-Lou complains that it encourages stray dogs in – she doesn’t worry about that when we use it as a more personal lubricant though!

Top tips round up – a cautionary tale!!!!!

I find it hard to feel anger towards Love It! magazine – it brings so much light into my dismal life! However this week I spotted a tip that made my blood boil. We are all aware of the ever present threat of the sun, thanks to some particularly graphic pictures of cancerous moles in last week’s Love It! magazine. But I’m afraid if you follow this tip submitted by Lynne Newton of Spennymoore – awarded star tip of the week, no less – and try to skimp on the sunblock by using an old roll-on deodorant container to apply it you’re going to end up as burnt as a crisp and riddled with tumours. This is the most irresponsible tip I have ever seen (well, the second most irresponsible if you count my idea of creating an apiary in my pants, but that hasn’t been published in a top-selling glossy magazine yet). If you really want to save money on sun protection, what you need to do is wrap yourself up in tin foil.

Now this tip is not only irresponsible, but I am very sorry to have to tell you that it is also impossible. I have tried on many occasions to open up a used roll-on deodorant container and refill it. I have attempted this many times in an effort to create a time saving method of spreading margarine. I can therefore only conclude that this tip was FABRICATED.

Meanwhile none of my genuine and non life-threatening tips were published, yet again. Perhaps Carley let the work experience girl edit the tips page this week? Perhaps she was bribed by the mafia? Maybe she’s been hitting the bottle again?

 

Now this is more like it. Ally Stewart of Dunfermline is a tipper I can do business with. Having gotten over my rage at the false and downright dangerous tip above, the very second I saw this tip I was in the freezer pulling the Findus crispy pancakes out of their packaging. (For the record, I find a good old tommy tank to be an excellent and free outlet for my anger – and why waste the jizz when it makes excellent pastry glaze or wallpaper paste? So versatile! There’s no need to be ashamed of saving money!).

My freezer now looks more decorative and interesting than ever thanks to the new traffic light food labelling system and I can fit ten times more more turkey twizzlers in there – boy do you get through a lot of turkey twizzlers when you’ve got 7 sets of triplets on your hands! Nowadays, I don’t even need to open the freezer to see what’s in there when I’m doing the shopping list ahead of our weekly visit to Iceland. And what’s that? You don’t have any fridge magnets? Why not use sellotape!

 

The power of tips could save your life!!

Some of you might have been wondering where I’ve been for the last week! Some of you may even have been a little concerned and emailed me. Thank you to all those who did. When I think of a tip for remembering my email address I will reply personally!

Basically, the last week of my life has been fraught to say the least! I won’t be so presumptious as to think you want all the details, so I’ll just get on with the tips!!!

If you ever get stung on the glans by a bee, don’t rub it! Instead, go to a doctor. That way, you save yourself all the hassle of prison, a trumped up Public Indecency charge and having to administer an epi pen to yourself when your airways shut off at 11pm in a holding cell at Colchester Crown Court!

Rubbish tips!!!!!!!!!

Plastic bin bags!  They are always a problem, you’ve probably noted.  You always run out at inopportune times and I’m always being told by my environmentally aware new wife Wanda-Ermine that they are bad for the planet!  All these plastic bags flying around makes for an unhappy world, so I put my mind to a tipular solution to both problems!

Instead of using the disposable black bin bags so often associated with crime, litter and the pleasurable sex of bagging, simply use a bed sheet sewn up at the corners!!  This re-usable, highly absorbent binbag will save our world and save you money!  The man in the petrol station who sells me all my Magic Tree air fresheners is now a convert to the system, and after their initial objections, my local bin men have stopped setting fire to my tree!

PATRICK GARETH’S quick tips!!!

Like most people on British council estates, I’m a big follower of the great 19th Century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche! He believed that philosophers such as me and my new wife Regina-Klondike should use words sparingly, with care and passion. “Write in blood!” he said, which is in itself quite a good tip! Today’s tips, then, will be presented in the style of Nietzschean aphorisms, for your easy digestion! I’ve always quite fancied the idea of being Nietzsche, in fact, so much so I’ve taken to growing a moustache just like his! It’s coming in as well as I could reasonably expect it to, as well, considering my beard only grows on the right-hand side of my face!!

On with the tips!!!!

• If you run out of gin, simply float some pot pourri in vodka!
• Run out of Beach Boys albums for your summer party? Just play Procul Harum at double speed!
• Trouble sleeping? Why not get your wife to suffocate you a bit with a pillow!
• I often take the dips from Lowestoft McDonald’s home with me, they really liven up a piece of toast!
• Problems with your British visa? Simply enter Big Brother and claim asylum!
• Save money on funky hair highlighting dyes by giving everyone else in the niteclub a pair of pink-tinted sunglasses!
• You can make colourful, trendy braces from plastic bags! A different style for every occasion!
• There’s only one way to deal with bullies: Hugs and kisses! And they are free!

I hope these tips help TIP the balance for you towards a better life!!!

Heston Tippenthal!!!

Like many people in Britain, I’m a big fan of Heston Blumenthal.  His revolutionary slowly-cooked meats have re-invigorated Britain’s parched pallates so much that, when my new wife Bryany-Porsh and I went to eat at his Fat Duck restaurant, I was nearly sick with glee!

His subsequent BBC2 series “In Search of Perfection” taught us how to replicate a number of his favourite techniques at home.  However, they seemed rather time-consuming and difficult, and I burnt down my house.  “Surely cooking a piece of beef for 24 hours should be an easier thing to do than cooking it in the normal way?”  I thought.  Not being given to just sitting around, I put on my Tip Hat to figure out a better way to get succulent meat!

The problem, as Heston admitted in his show himself, is that it’s difficult to buy an oven that you can switch to 60°C.  He recommended buying an overn thermometer, or even keeping the over door ajar to regulate the heat!  This is crazy, Heston!  Try this instead: think about it – what appliance do most homes have, that can easily be set to a constant and reliable 60°C?  A washing machine!!

That’s right, simply put your joint of meat into the drum with a few onions and carrots, then empty salt, pepper and your favourite Schwartz™ powdered  sauce mix into the powder draw!!  About 20 consecutive 60 degreee washes later, and you have a tender, delicious beef stew that melts in the mouth!  Yum yum!!

Tip of the iceberg!!!!

I don’t know about you, but one of the things I dislike most about going to see my GP is when they ask you for a urine sample!!! You know what it’s like – you have had the sample pot for months and month, just sitting there waiting to be filled, but come the day you forget it. Next thing you know you’re in the Practice’s toilet, trying to wring a few drops out into your doctor’s coffee mug!!! A lot of people, me included, find it difficult to go under that sort of pressure, and normally I come back with a beaker which is mainly just an inch of pubes, sweat and Cowper’s Fluid!!!!

If this sounds like your life too, I’ve got a wee tip which is just ideal!!! Simply urinate in an ice cube tray, and freeze it!! Hey presto, a handy supply of urine that can be microwaved just before you leave for your appointment. It’s also a boon for the whole family, as they can use a few cubes themselves if they are in a rush. Us Tipps have been using this method now for 12 years, and it’s coincided with a lengthy streak of health and clean diagnoses! Give it a whirl!!! Or should I say, WHIZZ?!!!!

A belting good tip!!!!!

Modern day razors, with their disposable blades, are a real boon! I don’t get through as many as some men, because my beard for some reason only grows on the right side of my face. Nevertheless, it seems a shame to just throw away the leftover blades from your Mach 3!!!

Instead, try gluing them all to a ladies belt, for a sparkly, shiny fashionable effect to wow the niteclub and the passengers on the bus home alike!!! I made one for my new wife, Mersaydees-Jude, and she simply gushed with pride. Try it!!!!

Skip the skip hire!!!

Every so often, people have to have a good spring clean, but the best way to get rid of all of the discarded items can be expensive! Skip hire costs money and can also be inconvenient.

Don’t telephone up your local firm, try this instead: throw all your broken furniture and old mattresses into your bathtub! When your cleaning is complete, simply set fire to the lot! The bath will contain the flames, and the remains of your old rubbish will be reduced to easy-to-wash-away ash!!! It’s as easy as that!! Flaming simple!!!