M.E. Tipps’ M.E. tips!!!

Like an increasing number of people in Britain, my new wife Magdalen Ermintrude suffers from Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. This is often known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, M.E. or the rather glib “Yuppy ‘flu”. Whatever you call it, and whatever it is, the upshot is that my dinner is always bloody awful!! After a hard day tipping in my tips study – I’m currently researching a book on top tips written in hyieroglyphs in ancient Egypt (Tutankhamun advised keeping your false teeth embedded in a grapefruit by the side of your bed! Good tut tip!!) – I often come back to a half-hearted plate of slops and croutons or a reeking tomato sauna! ‘Patrick,’ I said to myself, ‘Patrick, surely you could turn your tipular brain to the problems of someone with only very limited energy, and come up with an easy-to-follow series of easy yet delicious recipes, so as to stop having to eat such utter filth‘.

The answer, was yes.

As such, in the coming days and weeks, I’ll present the quickest, simplest and most delicious recipes you can produce if you’re a lazy cow who really can’t be bothered to lift a bloody finger. Or if you have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, of course!!  Stay tuned!

A gifted tipster!

What can make your life better than a gift to put a smile on the face of a loved one? Nothing, that’s what! Hahaha – that was a RHETORICAL QUESTION! My wife, Tonya-Ho-Lin, often complains about the soap and toiletries that I make from leftover fat and my habit of recycling tea bags. So what better way to say “I missed you” after my trip away than a gift basket of toiletries and beverages? And why waste your money at the Body Shop or at Whittards where you can only get tea OR soap! Get the maximum value for your money from an expensive stay at a hotel (well, the Crown Prosecution Service’s money in my case, but as I haven’t yet found a tip to avoid taxes I think it was partly my money!). Make beautiful gift baskets by filling the free cups in a hotel room with the cutlery, beverages, stationary and toiletries provided and wrap it all up in one of the soft fluffy towels. If it’s an extended stay, you will find that the stocks are replenished every day – that’s christmas sorted in the Tipps household! Tonya-Ho-Lin’s skin has never been less pitted!

The very tip of human experience!!

Every week really begins for me on Tuesday. I rouse my new wife Yootha-Trilby from her blustery slumber at 3.30 a.m., with promises I’ll make her favourite breakfast – roast chicken – if she goes down to Mr. Singh’s newsagents and waits to get the latest copy of LOVE IT! MAGAZINE, still warm off the presses. She can’t help but agree, once she sees my gravy jug (which I fashioned from an abandoned traffic cone!) she’s anyone’s!!!

I’m particularly excited to blog my regular “Cut-out-and-keep-tips” review this week, because yours truly, Patrick Gareth Tipps, has the STAR TIP!!! You’d think that a man who makes a living through helpful tips and hints in a variety of magazines and publications would be a wise old hand, but seeing my name in a new magazine always makes me bounce with glee. My doctor even warns me against getting too excited, in case the shrapnel moves!!

My location on the tip give you some indication of why I’ve been a little lax in posting my tips of late. I’ve been staying in the seaside paradise of Hove with some friends, doing this and that, keeping some appointments and looking up some old flames. I’ve not been pointing fingers in ongoing police investigations, is basically what I’m saying.

Normally, I’ve been fairly critical of Carly’s choice as Star Tip in these pages. However, I can’t help but see now that she is a kind, gentle and brave woman. Her previous choices may not have been that helpful to me, but to some other soul, they would have been a lifeline. She is a wonderful human being.

However, my thrill at being STAR TIP is only amplified by the competition I beat off! The star amongst them was this wonderful tip from young Aalia Latif of Warrington.

Another useful toenail cutting tip: do it out of the window of a moving car. This way, you get no irritating and unpleasant trimmings in your home, and also the nubules and shards on the roads form a grippy carpet. A clean house and social responsibility! Happy tipping!!